My dog belongs to no known breed,
A bit of this and that.
His head looks like a small haystack;
He’s lazy, smelly, fat.

If I say, ‘Sit!’ he walks away.
When I throw stick or ball
He flops down in the grass as if
He had no legs at all.

Then looks at me with eyes that say,
‘You threw the thing, not me.
You want it back? Then get it back.
Fair’s fair, you must agree.’

He is a thief. Last week but one
He stole the Sunday roast
And showed no guilt at all as we
Sat down to beans on toast.

The only time I saw him run –
And he went like a flash –
Was when a mugger in the park
Tried to steal my cash.

My loyal brave companion flew
Like a missile to the gate
And didn’t stop till safely home.
He left me to my fate.

And would I swap him for a dog
Obedient, clean and good,
An honest, faithful, lively chap?